Small noticing

Whenever I call my Dad, whether at home or at work, his initial Hello? often inflects downwards, with a bit of tiredness, conveying that this phone-answering business is a bit of a chore. 

But as soon as I say, Hi Dad, the instant he knows it's me and not some customer or telemarketer or divorce lawyer, his voice brightens with a sharp upward slant.  It's all warmth and optimism and love.

That moment, poised between his unknowing Hello? and his cheerful Hello! is one that I've come to anticipate when I dial his number.  It's like I have this secret, for a split second, knowing that he doesn't know his mood is about the be uplifted, in this parental pavlovian reaction, just from the sound of my voice, a mere moment down the line.

Tonight was the first time I told him that I noticed the change in voice tone, and that I appreciated it.  Of course he said "Of course! I'm always glad to hear it's you."


...

I don't think I've ever not appreciated what a wonderful presence my dad has been in my life; for all of the affirmative things he has been to me.

But it's only lately I've thought more, in an internalized way, about how lucky I am about the things he was _not_ to me; about the baggages he and my mom didn't burden me with.

A friend confided in me recently about the troubles in his marriage, and revealed that many of their issues stemmed from sexual abuse each had suffered at some point in childhood at the hands of trusted adults (the wife from her father; the husband from his nanny).  

I've heard similar tales from other friends.  But although my upbringing was not perfect --especially in the unhealthy relationship (non)communication modeled to me through my parents' marriage-- there were enough of the right ingredients, most notably an absolute knowledge of my parents unconditional love for me, that it has taken me a while to really feel through what it would be like not to have that basis in navigating life.  To understand, on a deeper than cognitive level, why people have certain habits or reactions or patterns in their lives.

I am lucky.  And I can pass it on.  I was given much, so I have much to give.