FINE, I will just be my body right now.
Posted on Jan 18th, 2008
by 
L'el
L'el
I was standing on the lashed-together ladder up to my loft bed, reaching to tug at a blanket to carry with me to the couch.
I felt the ladder legs skid, then give out. The falling was slow, and I had a long time to think on the way to the floor.
My first thought was, Oh shit! I'm stupid. Then something else I don't remember. I was shocked how far into the fall it took me to even think maybe I should move somehow or alter my position, maybe do something to protect my head.
But by that point the ladder and I were already down for the count. I was-- am-- totally fine, no injuries, but adrenaline-stunned. I held stock still for a second. No sudden moves. Memory zoomed me back to my first conscious instant on the ground the time I was hit by a car, when I had to wait in shock to see if I could still breathe. And I had an image of my grandmother who is about to go into the hospital for surgery. Is this feeling the quality of helplessness experienced by elderly people who fall? I hadn't even felt my body do anything instinctive, reactive, on the way down.
Rationally, my brain informed me that I was okay, all clear, I could get up. But instead I crawled off the ladder, tossed the blanket (still somehow in my hand) into a bundle on the floor, and curled up on top of it. Giving in to being a body, letting its reactions play out. Sobbing without tears, whimpering. Slightly shaking. Breathing. Animals twitch and shiver after trauma, to let out their shock. It's natural. We forget.
And of course, I was brought back to all the other times sickness and injury and shock have showed me that I am really a body, in the end and that a Self is an illusion of arrogance. Surrender, surrender. You are the body. You are those waves of pain and intensity, of roaring inarticulate emotion and aching muscle.
I am I am I am.
I felt the ladder legs skid, then give out. The falling was slow, and I had a long time to think on the way to the floor.
My first thought was, Oh shit! I'm stupid. Then something else I don't remember. I was shocked how far into the fall it took me to even think maybe I should move somehow or alter my position, maybe do something to protect my head.
But by that point the ladder and I were already down for the count. I was-- am-- totally fine, no injuries, but adrenaline-stunned. I held stock still for a second. No sudden moves. Memory zoomed me back to my first conscious instant on the ground the time I was hit by a car, when I had to wait in shock to see if I could still breathe. And I had an image of my grandmother who is about to go into the hospital for surgery. Is this feeling the quality of helplessness experienced by elderly people who fall? I hadn't even felt my body do anything instinctive, reactive, on the way down.
Rationally, my brain informed me that I was okay, all clear, I could get up. But instead I crawled off the ladder, tossed the blanket (still somehow in my hand) into a bundle on the floor, and curled up on top of it. Giving in to being a body, letting its reactions play out. Sobbing without tears, whimpering. Slightly shaking. Breathing. Animals twitch and shiver after trauma, to let out their shock. It's natural. We forget.
And of course, I was brought back to all the other times sickness and injury and shock have showed me that I am really a body, in the end and that a Self is an illusion of arrogance. Surrender, surrender. You are the body. You are those waves of pain and intensity, of roaring inarticulate emotion and aching muscle.
I am I am I am.
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April 2008
I'm kind of in a weird state, but this almost made me cry?
It's so…god I don't know, everything?
I keep a *safe* distance at most things I bring to my eyes, then re-reading if I feel safe to come closer. But this posting you just wrote had me in your past, as you relayed it. And then so many emotions…my god I'll say it again I love how you write.
You don't leave much room for speculation, there's a special and unique correlation to your grandmother that you've realized. So all I can do is appreciate and relate - and back to appreicate….how you seem to materialize your inner turmoils. For some it's in colors or lucid emotions, or paintings or writing - you know. But I think what you're writing is telling you is that you're safe in it's arms - *it* being your materialization of emotions which I think is quite a *magical* gift.
But I think what you're writing is telling you is that you're safe in it's arms - *it* being your materialization of emotions which I think is quite a *magical* gift.
I never thought of it that way, thank you! One thing I left out of my account is that my roommate is away for the weekend, so I was very Aware of What if I had been hurt? What if something worse had happened? In the past I wouldn't have written about this, but I decided to acknowledge the need for comfort I felt right after, by myself, and yes, writing did give me a kind of companionship.
I'm glad you were able to read it. Vulnerability isn't easy even if it's “second-hand”!
Right on!
It could be my “weird space” but can you see the fear that just came up in your last comment? It didn't seem necessary b4.
oh yes, there was fear. that was definitely part of my reaction…
well I resonated with the comforting spirit that seemed to hold you throughout…
Glad you are okay and in one piece! The last time I had one of those moments was Nov 2006, and it was similar to what you described- one of those weird time warp things where you feel like time has slowed but still unable to stop momentum. I didn’t walk away unscathed though- broke both bones in my right leg above the ankle, and had to have a steel rod and crews put in, which took some getting used to, and for awhile felt very artificial. I have always been thankful for consciousness and a presence of mind that helped me overcome the pain, heal, and re-learn to walk, without crutches or cane. Infinite blessings!
ouch!! glad you recovered!