it makes all the difference yet no difference at all

Six months or so ago, I came across a profile on Stumbleupon of this middle-aged guy with an "about me" section that was dark and suicidal. It said something to the effect of, my life has been ruined, taking care of my 88 year-old mother, when her life ends my life will too.

aka pretty much the most blatant anonymous cry for help ever, so what could I do: ignore it? As sappy and ineffectual as it is, I'm still the girl who sometimes takes pity on worms stuck on the sidewalk after a rainstorm, even in the middle of a run. I believe connections matter, or at least I willfully hope so. I wrote him back; don't remember what I said or have that message anymore.

I do have his reply:

Thank you for your note. It wasn't trite at all. When you are alone and feel isolated you really just want the pain to go away. I think the loneliness is the worst. I lost my wife (the girl in my dreams), my business, and had to leave the place I loved. Three strikes your out. Yes suicide has crossed my mind more than I care to admit. The only reason I haven't is because my mom needs me (major surgery for cancer) and I can't abandon her. I'm hoping that the thoughts of suicide will someday be gone before I am consumed by them. I haven't learned yet how to move on because I lost so much. My mind keeps turning back to remember what I had and doesn't want to focus on looking forward. I wish I weren't still deeply in love with her. She has moved on and is now intimate with someone else. That is really hard because you remember how it was with her and you feel your memories have been violated. I didn't mean for this too be a tome, I did want to thank you for taking the time to care.

Dale

Don't remember what I wrote back. I thought of him again this Thanksgiving, and sent a message to check up. He just replied the other day:

Hi,
Sorry I took so long to reply. My free time has become so limited. I've been working 7 days a week for months and maybe that helps keep me from focusing on the wrong things. My mom passed away after a fall and so my focus now is to save up some cash and decide if I should move back to Oregon or not. I probably will move for all the wrong reasons. I still long for my ex and probably have this false hope that if we can talk maybe there is something to salvage. Love can be such an albatross.

I hope things are going well for you and that everyones Spirit of Christmas hasn't worn you down. Here's to you having a great holiday, and thanks for caring.

Your friend,
Dale


It's almost too much to say anything about really, getting these huge random snapshots into a stranger's life. Does it mean anything to be a voice in the dark, really? Is it just ego to even try? I've already learned multiple times over you can't save another person, especially not from themselves, no matter how hard you want to. They have to find their own spark to save themselves. At that point, maybe, I can be a scaffold, an enabler. Oh but this gets too wordy. Too fluffy.

We just do the best we can, while taking care of ourselves, and we never really know.